The election helpline

just a little bit of fun …

It’s the early hours of the morning. In number 10 Downing Street, just call me Dave picks up the ‘phone. His hand shakes as he nervously dials the number …

A calming female voice says, “Good morning. Thank you for calling the election helpline. Please note that all calls are recorded for security and training purposes. Calls from a BT landline cost 10 pence a minute (plus VAT) calls from mobile networks may be higher”.

Music plays … Always look on the bright side of life by Monty Python

https://youtu.be/jHPOzQzk9Qo

The female voice speaks again. “Thank you for holding, your call is important to us”

More music…

Then another female voice speaks. This one is NOT calming. This one sounds like … Margaret Hodge.

“If you are the candidate for a marginal seat, press 1”

“If you are the present incumbent of Number 10, press 2”

“If you are Nigel Farage please call the Home Office Immigration number”

“If you are Nick Clegg… F**K off and stop calling”

“for anything else, press 3”

Just call me Dave presses 2.

“Hello, Election Helpline, Chantelle speaking. Can I help you?”

Just call me Dave (JCMD) “Hi, Hi Chantelle. I’m Dave”.

Chantelle (C) “OK what can I do for you Dave?”

JCMD “Well, I’m worried about my election campaign. I can’t understand why I’m not beating Ed in the polls and I can’t understand why the electorate don’t get it that wealth trickles down ”

C – “Shall we just go through the checklist Dave?”

JCMD – “OK”

C – “just answer yes or no”

C – ” 1. Mentioning disabled relative at every opportunity” JCMD – “yes”

C – “2. Being economical with the truth and/or telling outright lies about the state of the economy” JCMD – “yes”

C- “3. Giving tax advantages to your millionaire mates” JCMD – “yes”

C- “4. Shafting the poor, disabled, vulnerable and ill” JCMD – “yes”

C- “5. Selling off the public sector to your millionaire mates” JCMD – “oh yes”

C – “Well Dave, you scored 100% I’m afraid”

JCMD – “100% brilliant!”

C -“No Dave, 100% is not good, you should only be scoring 10 or 20%”

There is a deathly silence.

C – “are you still there Dave?”